The Chronicles of Lady Raider and the village of Raiderland

by Christian

updated Monday 2/14/2000

History Section


I would like to briefly explain something to avoid anyone misinterpreting what is posted in this particular thread. I, Lady Raider, intend to use this thread to express the goings-on in the magical place that I will refer to as Raiderland. This is a fairytale place of wonder and joy. However, as in every fairytale, there is the inevitable struggle between good and evil. Our heroes in this story are the members of the Lady Raider Soccer Team who go to battle against invaders from neighboring villages. The newly formed Lady Raider Soccer Team must do battle to protect the quaint villagers that inhabit Raiderland. The Lady Raiders are led by their coach, the inexperienced but good hearted, Lady Raider. Our villain is the appropriately named, Evil Bitch, who casts a dark shadow over Raiderland. She is a vile and unjust women who is constantly conspiring against the courageous Lady Raiders. Why does she do these things? There is no explanation, except to say that she is an Evil Bitch. The bell has rung in Raiderland. And Lady Raider must now go to his day job as jail warden to the infamous 4th period.

The story begins like this Evil Bitch and Soccer Goodcoach came to Raiderland at about the same time -- I believe Evil Bitch arrived first. Both were invited to Raiderland by the Town Elders. Evil Bitch came to Raiderland from the bowels of Hell, under the guise of a great women who could bring strength and victory to Raiderland. While Soccer Goodcoach came from the soccer-playing Highland Region to the north of the Kingdom of Victoria. It is rumored that the dreaded Evil Bitch, with all of her evilness gained control of the poor villagers in Raiderland by placing an evil spell on the Town Elders. Without knowing what they were doing, they brought the one thing that could tear down Raiderland in all of its majesty and glory, and turn it into a village of despair. Now Raiderland, distraught has only one courageous, young person who can help...Soccer Goodcoach. It is also rumored that Soccer Goodcoach and Evil Bitch have gone head to head many times, even in front of the horrified villagers, only to end up with battles won and battles lost, but no break in the war. But there is Hope. As I was saying earlier, Evil Bitch came to Raiderland from the bowels of Hell. Soccer Goodcoach, on the otherhand, journeyed from the Soccer-Playing Highlands to the north of the Kingdom of Victoria to found the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team. In her quest to found the soon-to-be great team, Soccer Goodcoach was forced to deal with Evil Bitch on a daily basis. The Town Elders had given Evil Bitch the task of overseeing Soccer Goodcoach in her quest to form the Lady Raider Soccer Team. They also gave them adjoining offices. Good and Evil -- working shoulder to shoulder.

As a result of this close contact and her pure goodness, Soccer Goodcoach was the first of the people of Raiderland to become aware of Evil Bitch's true mission -- to destroy Raiderland and sink it into the depths of Hell. Soccer Goodcoach could not stand by and watch as Evil Bitch tried to destroy Raiderland. Thus, Soccer Goodcoach took it upon herself to do everything in her power to stop Evil Bitch. Soccer Goodcoach began this new quest by picking out the purest and best young people of Raiderland. With these people, she formed the mighty and courageous group that we now know as the Lady Raider Soccer Team.

Soccer Goodcoach chose the members of the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team, so she could use these pure-hearted souls to help her in her quest to defeat Evil Bitch. Over the course of the next year, Evil Bitch and Soccer Goodcoach would fight many battles for the hearts and souls of the people of Raiderland. Each won and lost their share of battles but Evil Bitch was powerful and the Town Elders stayed under her dark spell. Evil Bitch spent much of her dark energy turning the people towards evil. She had much success in building her army of menions, however, some people in Raiderland were immune to her black magic. Foremost among these people were Soccer Goodcoach, the mighty and courageous Lady Raiders, and the few allies that they had managed to find. Unfortunately, Evil Bitch was able to sense the goodness in these people and began her quest to crush Soccer Goodcoach and her friends. Evil Bitch had more success than we could have imagined. First, she began a campaign to weaken and devour the allies of Soccer Goodcoach and the Lady Raiders. One by one, Evil Bitch ate her enemies. The first to fall was Volleyball Goodcoach, the next was the good-hearted Softball Goodcoach, and finally, the brave Cross-Country Goodcoach. Evil Bitch swallowed them all whole. It was a sad, sad time in Raiderland, but luckily she Soccer Goodcoach survived. She and everyone mourned the loss of these kind people, but no one suspected that Evil Bitch was behind their disappearances. Her dark spell was strong. These events were terrible and unfortunate but without them, we would not now have our brave hero, our last hope against Evil Bitch, our Lady Raider. Because of these events replacements had to be found.

The Town Elders, unfortunalety, were still under the spell of Evil Bitch. Because of this, they decided to let her pick the replacements for the Lost Goodcoaches and the others (previously unmentioned) that she had devoured. This was the opportunity that Evil Bitch had been waiting for. She put all of her energy into selecting the most evil replacements that she could find. The problem was that, as far as anyone else knew, Evil Bitch was good. Therefore, even the evil candidates wore the facade of goodness and purity. As a result, Evil Bitch had a difficult time in selecting the replacements. This was a good thing for Raiderland, because if the candidates knew what Evil Bitch was looking for, then their true colors would have shone through and all would have been lost. However, Evil Bitch was not the best judge of character and most of the replacements were not what she had hoped for. Most were like the rest of the people of Raiderland -- Good and Evil. For the most part, these replacements for the fallen were easily influenced by Evil Bitch, but they were not inherently bad. As a result, Evil Bitch could not count on them to carry out her evil plans. But, she was able to find her one true disciple. This woman, the replacement for Softball Goodcoach, would become Evil Bitch's right hand. Her name was Whore-Monger (aka 'Evil Bitch in Training.')

A brief history of Whore-Monger. Before coming to Raiderland, Whore-Monger had worked in a kingdom to the South. Whore-Monger loved her work but, sadly, was driven out of town. It seems that her perceived lack of virtue was the problem. The parents in this other kingdom did not want their children to be influenced by a woman who had slept with their school's entire male coaching staff. Unlike Evil Bitch, Whore-Monger was not inherently bad, she had just come under the influence of evil people at an impressionable time in her life. She looked up to these evil people and began to emulate them. It it possible that she did not even know of Evil Bitch's quest to destroy Raiderland. Nonetheless, she became an effective and dangerous foe to Soccer Goodcoach and the Lady Raider Soccer Team. Evil Bitch was very successful in her discovery of Whore-Monger, but she made one major mistake. In Raiderland, like most of the world, the position of Cross-Country Coach is not considered to be an important one. Because of this, the lazy Evil Bitch left the hiring of the new Cross-Country Coach to the Town Elders. Now it is true that the Town Elders were under the spell of Evil Bitch, but when she did not focus her black energy on them, they were still able to think freely. For the replacement of Cross-Country Goodcoach, the Town Elders selected Lady Raider.

Lady Raider knew nothing of the struggle between Evil Bitch and Soccer Goodcoach when he arrived in Raiderland -- but he would learn quickly. Evil Bitch was quick to sense that Lady Raider was a potential enemy, just as Soccer Goodcoach was quick to sense that he was a potential friend. Lady Raider went about his business by trying to establish a strong cross country team, still unaware of Evil Bitch's sinister plot. Evil Bitch did everything that she could to prevent Lady Raider from achieving this goal. One of her best quotes from the time: "No sport in this program has priority over any other -- except for volleyball over cross country."

Soccer Goodcoach had sensed the goodness in Lady Raider and set out to recruit him as one of her allies. When approached by Soccer Goodcoach, Lady Raider agreed to join her in her quest against Evil Bitch before she could finish asking. As part of their newly formed alliance, Soocer Goodcoach encouraged the finest members of the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team to join Lady Raider's Cross Country Team.

My friends,I apoligize for my extended abscense. I have been meditating at a cave in the hills but was brought back to Raiderland by the news of our glorious victory against the invaders from Millerland. Oh, happy day! Let's continue our story:

When we last spoke, Soccer Goodcoach and Lady Raider had formed an alliance against Evil Bitch. But Evil Bitch was strong. She had destroyed most all of her enemies and had surrounded herself with her menions. In her mind, only the weak Soccer Goodcoach and the insignificant Lady Raider Soccer Team remained. Lady Raider, as far as she was concerned, was no real threat at all. What Evil Bitch did not know was this: Soccer Goodcoach and the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team had spent the summer in the Soccer Playing Higlands to the North. While there, they trained long and hard in preparation for a final battle with Evil Bitch. They had left Raiderland weak, but they had returned strong.

Evil Bitch, however, was unaware of their newfound strength and of their alliance with Lady Raider. As a result, Evil Bitch was very confident and started the new year with a bang. She was determined to sink Raiderland into the pits of Hell before the year was out. She used all of her dark power to torture and humiliate the young people of Raiderland, while maintaining her appearance of goodness before the Town Elders. Soccer Goodcoach knew that this could not continue. She had to do something, and she knew exactly what that something had to be.

Soccer Goodcoach knew that there was only one way that she could stop Evil Bitch. So, without mentioning anything to Lady Raider or the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team, she went to confront Evil. Evil Bitch was caught off-guard by the strength and boldness in Soccer's confrontation. Evil said many nasty things to Soccer Goodcoach -- one of her favorite tactics -- but her words had no affect. Frustrated... Evil Bitch exploded! She attacked Soccer Goodcoach with all of the fury and anger of a demon from the Underworld. Soccer Goodcoach fought back, and fought well.

Evil Bitch was completely unprepared. She had never expected that a mere mortal from the Soccer Playing Highlands of the North, could challenge her with such effectiveness.

This was to be a great, great battle!

The Great Battle


My friends,the time had finally come, and the battle had finally begun. Evil Bitch vs Soccer Goodcoach: a fight to the death! It was a legendary duel. Evil Bitch attacked Soccer Goodcoach with all of the dark energy that she could muster, expecting Soccer to immediately fall in defeat. She, however, would not give in so easily. Soccer countered Evil Bitch's attack with one of her own. This was not something that Evil Bitch had experienced since she had been in Raiderland,and she was initially stunned. Unfortunalety, she gotten used to the idea quickly and came back at Soccer Goodcoach -- HARD!

And that was how this great battle went -- Evil Bitch and Soocer Goodcoach exchanging blows well into the night. Sadly, with each passing moment, it became more and more apparent who the eventual winner would be... and it was not to be Soccer Goodcoach. It was the bravest and most horrible thing that any of the people of Raiderland had ever witnessed. Soccer Goodcoach was sacrificing herself for the town and for it's good people. Then with one final blow, Soccer Goodcoach went down. She was not moving and everything was quiet. Evil Bitch approached her, unhinged her lower jaw, and swallowed Soccer Goodcoach whole, just as she had done with the other Goodcoaches the year before.

The people looked on in silence.

Lady Raider and the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team had heard that there was a great battle underway. When they finally arrived at the scene, everything was over. Evil Bitch had left and only the stunned people remained. Lady Raider asked of the people, "What has happened here?"

The people, with tears in their eyes, replied, "Soccer Goodcoach is no more."

More History from Roscoe to come soon.

Dialogue Section

"Lady Raider, what the hell are doing writing messages on this page. You never said anything about any ECCP on your media report forms. You haven't even turned in your End of the Season Report for cross-country. You lazy piece of shit, you're as bad as that no-talent, worthless, pathetic group of wimps that you call a soccer team! Win the state championship? Ha! You would be lucky to win a scrimmage against a bunch 5-year-olds from the Special Olympics. By the way, I finished your coaching evaluation today. I wrote your name at the top of the evaluation sheet and went blank. I just could not express your complete incompetence in words. So this is what I did: I took the evaluation sheet with your name on it and put it on the floor. Then, I pulled down my pants and TOOK A BIG DUMP ON IT. Yes, I shit on your evaluation form. However, I don't think that even this fully expressed my feelings about you as a coach. When I finished my dump, I put your evaluation in a zip-lock bag and mailed it to the Athletic Director. Now get off of this message board and GET TO WORK.Once again, you are a total worthless piece of shit; just like your team."

"Okay Mrs. Evil I'll get back to work," responded Lady Raider.

"Wait before you get to work I've got a story for you. It was the best thing. I had the most wonderful day today. I think that I might have crushed the spirit of an innocent young girl. It was a glorious time. You know that girl Alicia who recently joined athletics. Well she is the most uncoordinated, no talent, pussy ass girl I've ever seen. I don't know what the hell she is doing because she's never gonna get to play."

"But Mrs. Evil, Alicia is a wiz in the classroom. She is a bright girl and seems to have a good future ahead of her. She joined athletics to play softball, and she works her ass off. Most other girls in her situation would have quit by now, but she's sticking it out."

" Look Lady Raider when it comes to anything athletic, Alicia has negative talent and her body is simply unable to do what her mind wants. It is clear that she's worthless and only has a one in a million shot at making the team, and if she does she'll never play."

"I think your full of crap Evil, she's a hard worker and deserves a chance."

"Too bad pussy boy. I called a coaches meeting where I decided what girls I thought didn't work hard enough. These girls were removed from athletics, and the others were warned and given one last chance. I put Alicia on the warning list, so she has a chance to quit herself or just get cut."

"But why did you do this when she works so hard?"

"Because I'm an Evil Bitch. Anyway, I called Alicia over with the other girls that were to be warned. I told her that she needed to get her act together or she would be kicked-out of Athletics. 'Sure you work hard,' I said, 'but if you don't give me 110% all the time, you're outta here! This is just a warning. You had better stop sucking right away. Sure you may be the hardest worker we have but you suck. Now go change.' The expression on her face as I chewed her ass in front of her friends was one of total humiliation. I loved every second of it. But it gets better. Alicia ran out of the gym crying with snot flowing everywhere -- the sorry little wimp. Then, that goody-goody janitor went after her to try to make her feel better. I hate that little shit. He is worse than Alicia is. So he goes after her, but guess what happens. As he's trying to talk to her, Alicia starts banging her fists into a concrete wall. The janitor tried to reason with her but she was too frustrated to listen. She just kept hitting the wall. And then the most wonderful thing happened. Blood just started dripping down her fists. Can you believe it? And it was all because of me. I love my job. Sure, that stupid ass janitor eventually got her to stop, but not before Alicia had shown him other scars from when she had apparently done this sort of thing before. When pussy ass janitor asked her to stop, Alicia said 'It doesn't hurt.' But I like to think that it did. I like to think that it hurt real bad. It was a Glorious, Glorious day. Okay, now get to work," shrieked the Evil Bitch.

Evil Bitch left the room, and I was shocked to hear this tragedy of Raiderland. I just kept thinking to myself, "Who let that woman into this village? Can we assasinate her? I hate this. I can't believe that she is saying those things. I guess this, unfortunately, is the sort of thing that a young coach has to deal with in Raiderland. But how can I deal with someone who's quote of the day is, 'A team can't win without punishment.'


"Hear ye, Hear ye!," cried the Town Crier, "There will be a great contest tonight in Memorial Colliseum. The Lady Raiders of Raiderland will be competing against their archrivals, the rich and powerful Stingerettes of Stingland. Raiderland and Stingland are the 2 main villages in the Kingdom of Victoria. This will be the first constest in the Great Tournament (a.k.a. District Play) and there is a lot on the line for the Lady Raiders. The Stingerretes were the champions of the last Great Tournament and a favored again this year. The citizens of the Kindom of Victoria are behind the wealthy Stingerettes and expect the Lady Raiders to be defeated in this first competition. The citizens, however, are unaware of the intense training undertaken by the Lady Raiders since the last Great Tournament, and they underestimate the Heart of the Lady Raiders. Evil Bitch, no doubt, will be watching from the shadows, working her black magic against the Lady Raiders. But as a wise man once said, 'It is not the size of the Lady Raider in the fight. It is the size of the fight in the Lady Raider.' Please come out and cheer on the Lady Raiders to victory. I will close with a cheer. One, Two, Three Go Raiders!"

But the next day was a dark, dark day in Raiderland.

"For those of you who didn't witness it yourselves it is my solemn duty as Town Crier to inform the people of Raiderland that our heroes, the mighty and courageous Lady Raiders, fell in last night's batlle to the Stingerettes of Stingland. The Stingerettes are a powerful team and played with much skill. However, this clearly was not the cause of the Lady Raider's defeat. 5 of the Lady Raiders' starters fell with injuries during the course of the great battle and 3 were unable to return to play. If it were not for the unparalleled goalkeeping of The Wall, Aurora Vela, the Lady Raiders might have lost by an even greater margin. No doubt, this terrible, terrible defeat was the handiwork of Evil Bitch -- some sort of dark spell, perhaps. Evil Bitch may have won this battle, but the war has only begun. The Lady Raiders have 11 more contests in the Great Tournament and, yes, there will be a second battle with the Stingerettes. The Lady Raiders' next game will be this Friday against the representatives of Kingland from the Kingdom of Corpus Christi. I will be sure to post the results to those who must tend to their flocks or fields."

"People of Raiderland, I come bearing bad news. The mighty and courageous Lady Raiders Soccer Team lost their second game of the Great Tournament. This loss was a vicious blow to Lady Raider and to his great team. How can I explain yet another loss? Simple. It was all Evil Bitch. The Lady Raiders' oppenents, the Lady Mustangs of Kingland, played a mediocre game. Nonetheless, they were able to defeat a much weakened Lady Raider team. The sad story is as follows: The morning of the game, Lady Raider was informed that his stopper and captain of the defense, Jen-V, was ill with pneumonia and would be unable to play. Also, the Lady Raiders starting left defender, Natalie(The Swift) Agurrie, was injured with a bruised bone of some sort and could not play. Finally, Katie Copenhagen Marthiljani was ill with an undiagnosed disease. It is clear the Evil Bitch was behind the injuries, illnesses, and the Lady Raiders' 3-0 loss to the Lady Mustangs. With 2 key players absent, the defense was simply unable to hold strong," explained the Town Crier.

"We know what Evil Bitch is doing, and we don't like it. We must doing something," cried a loyal raider townsmen from the crowd.

"It's alright. The war has only just begun. Only 2 games of the Great Tournament have been played and their are 10 more to go. Evil Bitch, will pay for her wrongdoing. Lady Raider will make sure of that. I will report back following the next game."

Two men in the crowd began talking after the Town Crier had left.

"Though I dispise most activity that requires sweating, I must say that the lady Raiders do not have the heart to win any games. A bone bruise is no reason to hold out. If ladyraider is any kind of coach then she would know better," explained Martini.

Mr. Chairman responed, "Martini Person, You are clearly under the spell of Evil Bitch. It is also clear that all of your comments were made out of ignorance. I was at the game and am good friends with Lady Raider so I know the facts. First of all, Natalie -The Swift- Aguirre (w/ the bone bruise)was held out of the game by Doc the Trainer, not by Lady Raider. Also, Lady Raider is a he, not a she. It's a simple mistake, but one that hurts your credibility. Thanks for playing, asshole. Now get out of my face."


"Oh, it is a joyous day in Raiderland, for the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team defeated the invading Lady Mustangs of Millerland. The score was 9-0,"cried the Town Crier.

"Yeah, that's right," cried an excited fan," Center-forward, Kristin Underwood had the hat trick + 1, in the first half. Cross-country runners, Yuri Juarez and Valerie Mendoza each had 2 goals, while Katie Copenhagen Marthiljani had 1 goal. The score at the half was 7-0 and the Lady Raider Soccer Team would have likely won by a greater margin if Lady Raider had not pulled most of his starters at the half."

The Town Crier continued,"This was a great victory for the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team. The team has now moved into 5th place in the Great Tournament standings (there are 7 teams competing.) In addition, the Lady Raiders' schedule gets weaker over the next couple of weeks and more victories are on the horizon."

"But what of Evil Bitch?" a concerned townswoman asked.

"While her dark spell was not enough to prevent a Lady Raider victory on Friday, it has taken it's toll. Jen-V -- sweeper extrodinaire, captain of the defense, and the one player that does not have a sub -- is out for another two weeks with pneumonia."

"That damned Evil Bitch!" she exclaimed.

"The Lady Raider Soccer Team was able to defeat the Lady Mustangs without Jen-V, but her absence was greatly felt in their 3-0 loss to Kingland. Let us hope that Jen-V is able to return soon and that the mighty and courageous Lady Raider Soccer Team will be able to defeat Evil Bitch once and for all."

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